I've lost something tonight

I've lost something tonight. It’s hard to describe what I lost, it’s hard to describe the pain I felt when I lost it. The last three hours I have spent breathing in and breathing out. At the top of these three hours I felt such pain I would have preferred death. To get some clarity I went to my horse, while driving I could feel the tug of war “do I drive into this tree or do I take another breath?” I did take the breath and another and another. I can almost put words to that which I lost, although non seem to fit. Closest I can get is the acknowledgment that I am separate. That I have no connection to no one, least of all with myself. What I lost tonight is the illusion of being connected. I am in fact alone, separate and disconnected, I always was alone, separate and disconnected even before I was born. I yearned for a connection while I love being alone, that’s what separates me from me. That’s what separates me from you. I know the pain that this causes all to well, it’s the pain that propelled me forwards and holds me back. I have lost something tonight, and I’m not sure what I’ll find behind the cracked mirror.