Zebra's and artichokes

Some twenty odd years ago a group of friends tried all kinds of meditations and I trailed along. One day they signed up for a za-zen course and I trailed along.

After the first session of 40 minutes staring at a wall, my bum and back hurt and I was bored. I was happy the bell rang and I struggled to get up, we walked for ten minutes or so in silent’s, this was Kinhin the monk explained, then another bell and much to my disappointment everyone sat down on their pillow again and stared at the wall for another 40 minutes.

Finally I was saved by the bell and there was tea. People shared their experience and so did my friends, I was amazed how enthusiastic they all sounded, lots of how inspiring and enlightening it had been. I didn’t dare tell about my sore bum and aching back, not to mention how I had been bored stiff. I must have missed something I thought to myself. So next week I went back. The group had reduced in size and some of my friends had canceled claiming busy lives. But I sat there, trying to focus on breathing in and out, but I ended up making grocery list and painting imaginary zebra’s on the white wall. As the weeks went by my friends gave up one by one, while I sat staring at the wall full of zebra’s and artichokes.

Then one week after 40 minutes sitting while walking kinhin I became aware of the overwhelming sound my feet made while walking, then the sound of my clothes rustling came flooding in. I tried to make sense of this strange experience and as soon as I did the sounds were just sounds, I shook it off and focused on my breathing again, as soon as I did the sounds were back as sensations, I became aware of more sounds and sensations, of my feet touching the floor, weight of my body shifting and the way my ears felt when these sounds hit. As soon as I tried to think about it, it was gone. I got so absorbed in the ability of turning it on and off that I ignored the bell and walked another round. Eventually I went back to my pillow and counted my breathing, and played with this new found ability.

When we had tea and shared our experience I said nothing I just smiled, and bowed to my teacher he smiled and bowed back.

I stayed which him for a few years and discovered the vastness of awareness and the limitations of mind.

We had a strange relationship we laughed a lot but we argued a lot too. In hind side I think I have more a Tibetan Buddhist attitude of critical skepticism, for him as Japanese Buddhist monk that must have been very strange. However I had and still have a great reverence for him as my teacher.

Before he went back to Japan he told me “be kind to mind” I smiled and bowed, but didn’t get what he meant till only recently.